I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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