I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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