It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
