she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize