haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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