so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
