I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
