i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize