The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's shark week go big or go home
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
