ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
