I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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