I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
