New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
