dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
