New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I have post one night stand depression
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
