Nicole vs. Life
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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