When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
