I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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