Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just threw up on my dentist
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
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