I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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