how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
