He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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