Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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