There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
