Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
