i already hear my dad disowning me
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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