if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
