Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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