a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
