The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
