i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
