distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
