My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
