at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Those nachos came to me in a dream
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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