just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
