Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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