I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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