Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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