i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
