It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
