I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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