are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
