I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
