im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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