went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
