No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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