Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
