Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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