I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
