Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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