She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
