Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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