and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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