when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
