I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Can I color on your dick again?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
