hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
