my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
